A History of the Past: Life Reeked With Joy
A brief history of Europe as told through the peculiar observations from college students' papers.
Editor's
Note: One of the most popular Wilson Quarterly essays ever (and by far
the funniest) was Anders Henriksson’s brief history of Europe as told
through the peculiar observations he had culled from papers written by
college freshmen he had taught in Canada. As we wrote in introducing the
piece in the Spring 1983 issue, paraphrasing George Santayana, “Those
who forget history are condemned to mangle it.”
History,
as we know, is always bias, because human beings have to be studied by
other human beings, not by independent observers of another species.
During
the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were
co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs.
It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a
table before us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile
commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were
sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing
themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people
were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed
someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up
wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions
made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the “Home Town” of
Christ) from the Islams.
In
the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls
arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a
social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse
and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by inffected rats.
Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also
helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of
England, France and Italy.
The
Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue.
Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the
rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to
civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became
sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was
full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors.
Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
The
Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes
were going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic
coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in
the wake of man’s quest for ressurection above the not-just-social
beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a
church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation.
Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the
ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of
course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as
worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
After
the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish
could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout
northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy,
central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor’s
lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
Louis
XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If
he didn’t like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest
of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia
the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs.
Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled
his government with accidental people and built a new capital near the
European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.
The
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy
that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were
unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration
slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a very serious state.
Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through
monarchial, republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into
Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained.
History,
a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815.
Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815–1870 the western
European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic
modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems
were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of one
million people, two million able bodies were on the loose.
Great
Brittian, the USA and other European countrys had demicratic leanings.
The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see
the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of
the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. Voting was
done by ballad.
A
new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder
of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north.
Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army.
We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France’s big
army. Napoleon III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of
Napoleon III as a live extension of the late, but great, Napoleon. Here
too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.
Culture
fomented from Europe’s tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent
but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and
perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion.
Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did
not forget his contribution. When he died they labled his seat
“historical.” Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.
World
War I broke out around 1912–1914. Germany was on one side of France and
Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren’t
people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which
was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President
Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia.
Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war “team colours”
were red and white.
Germany
was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly
overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where
all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic
movement arose. Attractive slogans like “death to all Jews” were used by
governmental groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish
between Germany and France. The appeasers were blinded by the great red
of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on eight million
bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France
invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end
when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation
had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were
left to pick up the peaces.
According
to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a
period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as
adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.
—
Anders Henriksson is a professor of history at Shepherd University, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. In addition to scholarly works such as The Tsar’s Loyal Germans (1983), he is the author of Non Campus Mentis: World History According to College Students (2001) and College in a Nutskull (2010).
